WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. Her husband is on the back of the milk carton. Keep reading-they get better
WOMEN'S REVENGE 'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet , I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. 'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked. 'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally..'
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE) I know I'm not going to understand women.. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your most intimate part, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.
MARRIAGE SEMINAR While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, 'It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes.' He addressed the man, 'Can you name your wife's favorite flower?' Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, 'It's Pillsbury, isn't it?
CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife? He answers, 'You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo- ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she. (I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton
WIFE VS. HUSBAND A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?' 'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.' WORDS A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day.... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men... The husband then turned to his wife and said, 'What?'
CREATION A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. 'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
The Silent Treatment A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.' Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.
__________________
__________________ Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. Groucho Marx In dire need of: faster horses, younger woman, older whiskey, more money.
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The CAJUN FAMILY TREE OF BEAU GEAUX
> >
> > His dizzy aunt------------------------------Vertie Geaux
> > The brother who loved prunes----------------Gotta Geaux
> > The brother with constipation problems----------Neaux Geaux
> > The cousin who worked at a convenience store---Shop N. Geaux
> > The grandfather from Yugoslavia -----------------U Geaux
> > The niece from Illinois--------------------- She Car Geaux
> > His magician uncle----------------------Where Diddy Geaux
> > His Mexican Cousin----------------------------Ah Me Geaux
> > The Mexican cousin's American brother---------Gring Geaux
> > The nephew who drove an armored car-----Wells Far Geaux
> > The uncle serving time in Angola------------- Lemme Geaux
> > The ballroom dancer--------------------------Tang Geaux
> > The Asian bird-lover---------------------------Flo Ming Geaux
> > Her over confident nephew-----------------------E. Geaux
> > The fruit-loving cousin-----------------------Mang Geaux
> > The optimistic aunt-------------------------Way to Geaux
> > The bouncy little nephew------------------------Po Geaux
> > The niece with the oversized van---------- Winnie Bay Geaux
> > The Italian grandmother----------------------- Day Geaux
> >
> > (And there you Geaux)
It had been a rough day, so when I walked into the party I was
very chalant, despite my efforts to appear gruntled and
consolate.
I was furling my wieldy umbrella for the coat check when I saw
her standing alone in a corner. She was a descript person, a
woman in a state of total array. Her hair was kempt, her clothing
shevelled, and she moved in a gainly way.
I wanted desperately to meet her, but I knew I'd have to make
bones about it since I was travelling cognito. Beknownst to me,
the hostess, whom I could see both hide and hair of, was very
proper, so it would be skin off my nose if anything bad happened.
And even though I had only swerving loyalty to her, my manners
couldn't be peccable. Only toward and heard-of behavior would
do.
Fortunately, the embarrassment that my maculate appearance might
cause was evitable. There were two ways about it, but the
chances that someone as flappable as I would be ept enough to
become persona grata or a sung hero were slim. I was, after all,
something to sneeze at, someone you could easily hold a candle
to, someone who usually aroused bridled passion.
So I decided not to risk it. But then, all at once, for some
apparent reason, she looked in my direction and smiled in a way
that I could make heads or tails of.
I was plussed. It was concerting to see that she was
communicado, and it nerved me that she was interested in a pareil
like me, sight seen. Normally, I had a domitable spirit, but,
being corrigible, I felt capacitated--as if this were something I
was great shakes at-- and forgot that I had succeeded in
situations like this only a told number of times. So, after a
terminable delay, I acted with mitigated gall and made my way
through the ruly crowd with strong givings.
Nevertheless, since this was all new hat to me and I had no time
to prepare a promptu speech, I was petuous. Wanting to make only
called-for remarks, I started talking about the hors d'oeuvres,
trying to abuse her of the notion that I was sipid, and perhaps
even bunk a few myths about myself.
She responded well, and I was mayed that she considered me a
savory character who was up to some good. She told me who she
was. "What a perfect nomer," I said, advertently.
The conversation become more and more choate, and we spoke at
length to much avail. But I was defatigable, so I had to leave
at a godly hour. I asked if she wanted to come with me.
To my delight, she was committal. We left the party together and
have been together ever since. I have given her my love, and she
has requited it.
The first testicular guard (cup) was used in baseball in 1874 and
the first helmet was used in 1971. It took nearly 100 years for men
to realize that their brain is also important.
__________________ "It's tough to make predictions, especially when it involves the future." ~Attributed to many
"In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is." ~(perhaps by) Yogi Berra
"Those who have knowledge, don't predict. Those who predict, don't have knowledge."~ Lau tzu
The first testicular guard (cup) was used in baseball in 1874 and
the first helmet was used in 1971. It took nearly 100 years for men
to realize that their brain is also important.
The first testicular guard (cup) was used in baseball in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1971. It took nearly 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.
Hey, a headache is one thing. The pain from being hit by a baseball "there" is something one never forgets. And will go to any extreme to avoid repeating.
__________________
Retired seven years ago at age 52. Then decided to get a job. For a while. Or maybe not. I'll think about it.
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: 43N Latitude, NY
Posts: 5,346
Two women friends had gone for a girls' night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.
Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.
One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.
Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.
She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.
After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home.
The next day, the husband of one of the women was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said: "These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!"
"That's nothing," said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck to her *ss that said.....
'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.' "
__________________
"Happiness depends upon ourselves." - Aristotle
Amal flew away to take a job on the East Coast and his mother did not see him for many years. Then she got an email from Amal indicating that he would be driving cross country to the state fair. Mom, Juan, and Dad went to the fair to surprise and meet him. They searched separately for him, and when Mom and Dad regrouped, Mom said "Have you seen Juan?". He replied, "If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal".
"Star Trek cologne. Called Red Shirt, it carries the tagline “Because tomorrow may never come.” I guess if you’re gonna die out in deep space, you might as well smell terrific".
Two friends staying out late at a bar were comparing notes.
The first one said, "Whenever I get home late, I always try to turn the engine off half a block from home, coasting quietly on to the driveway, open the front door gingerly, and stealthily slip into bed. Still, my wife always wakes up to chew me up".
The 2nd guy laughed out loud.
"You've done it all wrong. I always rev up the engine when I approach home, vroom, vroom, and squeal the tires as I turn on to the driveway, then brake hard to leave skid marks. I slam the front door shut, and jump onto bed. I slap my wife on the rump and say 'How 'bout it, babe?'. She always pretends she is asleep".
__________________ Couple both 53-year-old, with 1 child graduated from college, and 1 left to go. DW RE @ 50. No pension, no benefits for either of us. Working part-time for fun, and for travel money (in good years that is, and for food in lean years!).
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'
Taking full advantage of the troubles of the Woods family in Florida...
Ping just offered Elin Woods an endorsement contract pushing her own set of drivers. They are to be named Elin Woods..."clubs you can beat Tiger with."
Word that Elin Woods was using a golf club as a Rescue Club now has been proved to be untrue, as it now appears she was actually trying to knock the **** out of a Driver
News travels fast. The Chinese are already making a movie about Tiger Woods' crash. They are calling it, "Scratching Swede, Lying Tiger"
Tiger just changed his nickname but still kept it in the cat family--his new name: Cheetah
Tiger's new movie is out: Crouching Tiger, Hidden Hydrant.
Apparently the police asked Tiger's wife how many times she hit him. She said "I don't know exactly" but put me down for a 5."
Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a hole-in-one.
What's the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards.....
What were Tiger Woods and his wife doing out at 2.30 in the morning? They went clubbing
Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn't decide between a wood and an iron.
Phil Mickelson contacted Tiger's wife to pick up some tips on how to beat Tiger!
__________________ Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. Groucho Marx In dire need of: faster horses, younger woman, older whiskey, more money.
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward . The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth f loor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. (scroll and keep reading!)
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE TO THOSE OF YOU NOT LIVING IN
LAS VEGAS , BUT THERE ARE MORE CATHOLIC CHURCHES THAN CASINOS.
NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME WORSHIPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE BASKET IS PASSED.
SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED A METHOD TO COLLECT THE OFFERINGS..
THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY FOR SORTING AND THEN THE CHIPS ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN AND CASHED IN.
THIS IS DONE BY THE .....
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CHIP MONKS.
__________________
RETIRED January 26th, 2010.
Last edited by REWahoo; 12-13-2009 at 03:35 PM.
Reason: Font size
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!
Merry Christmas to you and your family,
Patty
Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: November 30, 2009
RE: Gala Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Patty
Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 1, 2009
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?
Somebody?
And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.
REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: December 2, 2009
RE: Generic Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.
Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each group will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.
To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.
We will have booster seats for short people.
Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.
I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food. The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first. There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry!
Did I miss anything?!?!?
Patty
Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F*%^ing Employees
DATE: December 3, 2009
RE: The F*%^ing Holiday Party
I've had it with you vegetarian pricks!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f*%^ing salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!
The rest of you f*%^ing wierdos can kiss my *ss. I hope you all have a rotten holiday!
Drive drunk and die,
The B*tch from H*ll!!!
Company Memo
FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: December 4, 2009
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her.
In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Happy Holidays!
Joan
__________________ Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. Groucho Marx In dire need of: faster horses, younger woman, older whiskey, more money.
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