A Friend in need , how can I help

[jazz4cash]

And I'm guessing that the reality is probably much worse than what the OP thinks.

This has been my experience. There is a lot more to the story I feel.
It’s a household with 3 adults. DW is a teacher with predumeably good job security snd a pension of some sort. There is a nationwide shortage of truck drivers so I think there is a specific issue with his situation that is limiting his income. He might find another trucking company to work for. Several guys I know have retirement jobs driving trucks and they stay very busy.

 

[aja8888]

This has been my experience. There is a lot more to the story I feel.
It’s a household with 3 adults. DW is a teacher with predumeably good job security snd a pension of some sort. There is a nationwide shortage of truck drivers so I think there is a specific issue with his situation that is limiting his income. He might find another trucking company to work for. Several guys I know have retirement jobs driving trucks and they stay very busy.

If I recall in the OP's post, he weighs 400 pounds and pushing a walker which would make a long haul truck driver's job pretty hard to get.

 

[ElizabethT]

Breedlove, I am curious about what your were hoping the response would be here to your OP? In looking through some of your prior posts, you appear to be very soft hearted, and thus I am left wondering if what you really want to do is throw lots of money to your friend.

Your DW and the community here have been pretty aligned in suggesting you offer no monetary support, and if you are resistant to this, I am curious as to why?

In the interim, I would offer emotional support ONLY to your friend. You will never, ever, ever solve their monetary issues because it is who they are, even if you don't want that to be the case.

 

[Badger]

I went through this with my closest friend for more than 50 years. He used to tease me for being frugal, saving and not taking advantage of borrowing on credit as he bought new cars every couple of years, never considered having a budget or saving, etc. I used to make the 3 hour drive once a month to visit and provide support as he slowly went down hill and into drugs and heavy drinking. He lost everything including his wife, home, and cars and eventually had to rent a room in someone's house while he tried to live on around $1k/month of SS. Eventually he admitted that just maybe I had the right idea. I did everything I could to help him just short of giving him money but it was too late and he decided he had no other alternative but to call it a day. I still miss him.

 

[Aramis]

May I ask how you came by this information? It's not normally the type of info you share with others. I'll assume for they now they shared voluntarily. Why would they do that you might ask. Well they either want money from you or they have realized they dug a hole so deep they cannot get out and would expect you to have some magic solution. Of course you don't have a magic solution because there isn't one. Stay away from this problem. You have no solution to it, any advice you give them with fall on deaf ears because "one thing" won't do anything to fix the problem. Your friendship might well end as they struggle about money but it's not your struggle.

The original post says that his friend called and told him.

 

[jollystomper]

I just don’t understand how people our age can get themselves into this situation . He gets SS and he is a vet so his medical is covered . He always took this dumb attitude he would work till he dies. At this point we think his wife needs to pick up some slack . They have a 35 year old son living with them so he needs to pay rent . I am going to suggest financial counciling if he will take it we would pay for it.

There is a world full of people like this just living on the edge. He is not unique.

I suspect it will get worse over time, with inflation, the desire to maintain a standard of living that one perceives others have, fewer "automatic" retirement income sources (like pensions) and existing ones requiring more discipline.

I agree with those who recommend that you recommend counseling avenues for your friend. Just be prepared for them to be angry at you, even along the lines of "we don't need counseling, we just need a little help to get us through for a bit, can't you do that for us?" Been there - but did *not* do that.

 

[ivinsfan]

The original post says that his friend called and told him.

Well the original post just says the friend called to tell him that he got laid off. I wasn't certain if all the info came at that point or if the "friend" has been talking about it for years..

 

[Keim]

OP mentions a walker. Is SSDI something to look into?

 

[Gumby]

This is exactly the type of situation for which the Bankruptcy Code was written.

 

[aja8888]

Summarizing:

1. Give advice, sympathy, (no money)

Suggest their plan:

2. File BK,
3. Try to get SSDI (hire lawyer, get doctor evaluation(s), apply, wait two years)
4. keep wife working,
5. Tell son he has to pay rent or find another place,
6 Cut up credit cards,
7. Live happily ever after (or something like that).

 

[jazz4cash]

Well the original post just says the friend called to tell him that he got laid off. I wasn't certain if all the info came at that point or if the "friend" has been talking about it for years..

I must’ve misread. It said losing long haul loads but I did not understand that to mean laid off. I did try to imply his weight could be part of the issue. I meant to imply his weight could be part if the problem but I guess I was too subtle.

 

[Texas Proud]

Just want to post that I stopped seeing a friend who was horrible with money and even keeping a job... he moved back into his parents home and stayed there until both died... he was always asking for 'help' paying this or that and wanted a 'loan'... I got tired of it and stopped talking to him... Another friend did lend him money a number of times and when he asked when he was going to be paid back was told 'you have plenty of money, you do not need it'... so HE stopped talking to him...

I also have a nephew who has lived on welfare in Australia/New Zealand for many years... EVERY time I talked with him he asked for money... talking to my siblings they got the same spiel asking for money... maybe 20 or so years ago was talking to him on the phone and said right up front that if he asked for money I would never talk to him again... he asked... I have not...

As noted, this is a lifestyle that they think is OK... and nothing is going to change their thinking... even BK... why would I want to waste any of my hard earned money on someone like that?

 

[ivinsfan]

I must’ve misread. It said losing long haul loads but I did not understand that to mean laid off. I did try to imply his weight could be part of the issue. I meant to imply his weight could be part if the problem but I guess I was too subtle.

I don't know that either of us misread it, I just had a question... the no job is an issue but the lifelong money handling problem is a bigger issue.

 

[mystang52]

OP:

My DW has said if I give a dollar she will change passwords on all my accounts. I consider my wife and I blessed by god that we don’t feel this pain. We have known my friend since HS . My DW reminded me that he always maxed out his credit cards as a young man. We just returned from vacation when he called me to talk about this . My wife says he is throwing a guilt trip on me because we had money for a vacation . I talked to another friend the three of us grew up together . He said he is going to suggest a credit counselor .

Your wife is very smart and astute. As an aside, what she said is exactly what my DW would say if I were in your situation. IMO, I'd tell your friend something very short and to the point, because once you do NOT say "How much money do you need from me?" he won't be listening to you. I'd say something like, "you're in a very rough financial situation. I'm not a lawyer but maybe bankruptcy is an option. Here's a name of a financial counselor who may be able to sort things out for you: XXX XXXXXX"

 

[Irishgirlyc58]

Consumer Credit Counselor foundation:

Consumer Credit Counseling Foundation and Credit Counseling Services

Consumer Credit Counseling Foundation (CCCF) offers personalized credit counseling, debt management solutions, and financial education programs to help individuals and families achieve financial stability and freedom. Our certified credit counselors provide expert guidance and support, creating...

www.cccfusa.org

 

[badatmath]

OP mentions a walker. Is SSDI something to look into?

Too old per this link anyway. Is There an Age Limit for Social Security Disability? | SmartAsset

Can he do short haul truck driving jobs? Deliveries perhaps? Downsize the house?

 

[dmpi]

I've given money away to pay off my friend's credit card debts. She did pay off the credit cards but subsequently racked them right up again. I must confess, I was a victim of my own arrogance. The money I gave her was just 0.003% of my net worth. But to her it was a huge amount of money. My gut told me I shouldn't do it, but my mind told me you're not going to need that money anyway and this is just another donation. In retrospect I shouldn't have given her the money because I just encourage her to spend more.

 

[skyking1]

My condolences @Breedlove that your friend is in dire straits. It's good of you to care and you are also powerless to really fix his life.
That's all been well covered here.
I loaned a friend some thousands to fix a debt after he got into some troubles, and was pleasanlty surprised to get it paid back, even if it was without interest. I am sure it was the exception to the rule.

 

[MarieIG]

I went through this with my closest friend for more than 50 years. He used to tease me for being frugal, saving and not taking advantage of borrowing on credit as he bought new cars every couple of years, never considered having a budget or saving, etc. I used to make the 3 hour drive once a month to visit and provide support as he slowly went down hill and into drugs and heavy drinking. He lost everything including his wife, home, and cars and eventually had to rent a room in someone's house while he tried to live on around $1k/month of SS. Eventually he admitted that just maybe I had the right idea. I did everything I could to help him just short of giving him money but it was too late and he decided he had no other alternative but to call it a day. I still miss him.

I'm sorry for your loss Badger.

 

[bigcmagor]

For a 50 year friend, I'd find a way to help. Maybe pay for the bankruptcy and something to help get started again. If my spouse wasn't on board, I'd find a way to earn the funds to help so it didn't come from communal savings. Guess I have a soft heart too.

 

[Badger]

I'm sorry for your loss Badger.

Thank you. He was a good friend I had known since 1962. There was never a cross word between us all those years. The last few years he was so depressed that I don't think he could mentally function effectively. I even went to some Al-Anon meetings to help me understand the problems. They helped a little as a support group for me but bottom line was I was doing everything possible. It was really up to him but I think it was just too late.
Depression can be so debilitating.

 

[Music Lover]

400 pounds at age 71? The reality is that he probably doesn't have much time left, so what will his 55-year old wife do when she has to survive on her own?

 

[MarieIG]

Thank you. He was a good friend I had known since 1962. There was never a cross word between us all those years. The last few years he was so depressed that I don't think he could mentally function effectively. I even went to some Al-Anon meetings to help me understand the problems. They helped a little as a support group for me but bottom line was I was doing everything possible. It was really up to him but I think it was just too late.
Depression can be so debilitating.

It really can be. Sometimes it is difficult for those who have never experienced it to understand how overwhelmed and helpless the sufferer can feel. You were the best friend you possibly could have been and I'm sure he appreciated and cherished your friendship.

 

[ncbill]

400 pounds at age 71? The reality is that he probably doesn't have much time left, so what will his 55-year old wife do when she has to survive on her own?

yep, lost a close relative about the same weight but ~20 years younger at the end of last year.

devastating.

 

[Surewhitey]

We normally don't, but 15 years ago DW & I were asked for a loan from friends we knew for maybe 3 years at the time. We knew it may never be repaid, but to our surprise, it was paid, even after they divorced.

15 years later, just got a text today and we're going on vaca with them again this year. They remarried a couple years after divorce & living happily ever after. 2 very unlikely things...