Funny Joke Thread 2021 to ?
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Chuckanut
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
CardsFan
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Original Wally
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Q. Paul - when a man falls off a ship, the captain says "Man Overboard". What does the captain say when a woman falls off a ship?
A. Full speed ahead!
Original Wally
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aja8888
Moderator Emeritus
Useful Definitions…….
BEAUTY PARLOR
A place where women curl up and dye.
CHICKENS
The only animal you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST
Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
HANDKERCHIEF
Cold Storage.
INFLATION
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MOSQUITO
An insect that makes you like flies better.
POLITICAL CORRECTNESS
A doctrine fostered by a delusional, illogical minority.
RAISIN
A grape with a sunburn.
SECRET
A story you tell to one person at a time.
SKELETON
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
TOOTHACHE
The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
YAWN
An honest opinion openly expressed.
WRINKLES
Something other people have....similar to my character lines.
OLD
I very quietly confided to my friend that I was having an Affair.
She turned to me and asked, "Are you having it catered?"
. . . and that, my friend, is the definition of 'OLD'!!!
BEAUTY PARLOR
A place where women curl up and dye.
CHICKENS
The only animal you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST
Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
HANDKERCHIEF
Cold Storage.
INFLATION
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MOSQUITO
An insect that makes you like flies better.
POLITICAL CORRECTNESS
A doctrine fostered by a delusional, illogical minority.
RAISIN
A grape with a sunburn.
SECRET
A story you tell to one person at a time.
SKELETON
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
TOOTHACHE
The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
YAWN
An honest opinion openly expressed.
WRINKLES
Something other people have....similar to my character lines.
OLD
I very quietly confided to my friend that I was having an Affair.
She turned to me and asked, "Are you having it catered?"
. . . and that, my friend, is the definition of 'OLD'!!!
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When Beethoven Passed away, he was buried in a church yard.
A few days later the town drunk was walking through the cemetery, and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified the drunken man ran and got the Priest to come and listen to it.
The Priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint unrecognizable music coming from inside, frightened, the Priest ran and got the town Magistrate, when the Magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the ground, he listened for a moment and said,
“ah yes”. That’s Beethoven’s ninth symphony being played backwards. He listened for a while longer, and said, “There’s the Eighth symphony, and it’s backwards too, Most puzzling. The Magistrate kept listening, “there’s the seven… the sixth… and the fifth”
Suddenly, the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate. He stood up and announced to the crown that had gathered,
“My fellow citizens, there’s nothing to worry about!”
It is Just Beethoven Decomposing”
A few days later the town drunk was walking through the cemetery, and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified the drunken man ran and got the Priest to come and listen to it.
The Priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint unrecognizable music coming from inside, frightened, the Priest ran and got the town Magistrate, when the Magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the ground, he listened for a moment and said,
“ah yes”. That’s Beethoven’s ninth symphony being played backwards. He listened for a while longer, and said, “There’s the Eighth symphony, and it’s backwards too, Most puzzling. The Magistrate kept listening, “there’s the seven… the sixth… and the fifth”
Suddenly, the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate. He stood up and announced to the crown that had gathered,
“My fellow citizens, there’s nothing to worry about!”
It is Just Beethoven Decomposing”
Yoheadden
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Yoheadden
Recycles dryer sheets
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Qs Laptop
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latexman
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered.
Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly Mother.
The first said, "I built a big house for our Mother."
The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."
The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well any more. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took Elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."
Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks, "Milton," she wrote one son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."
"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel any more. My eyesight isn't what it used to be. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"
"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. The chicken was delicious!"
Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly Mother.
The first said, "I built a big house for our Mother."
The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."
The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well any more. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took Elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."
Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks, "Milton," she wrote one son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."
"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel any more. My eyesight isn't what it used to be. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"
"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. The chicken was delicious!"
Original Wally
Recycles dryer sheets
OMG! The Husband Day Care is a FANTASTIC Idea. I vote YES! LOL
Qs Laptop
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A classic...
Chuckanut
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
Fine with me as long as the caretakers are young, cute, females.
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The impressive thing about this is that the guy can keep a straight face throughout the entire performance. I wonder how many times they had to start over?
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